BDSM 101: The Ultimate Beginner's Guide to BDSM

Want to spice things up a bit in the bedroom? Been naughty and feel in need of punishment? Exploring the exciting world of BDSM might be just what you need to put some serious zing in your sex life.

Read on to find out how you can get in touch with your inner bad girl or boy!

What is BDSM?

BDSM stands for Bondage | Discipline | Sadism | Masochism - but it can also have alternative words swapped in such as Domination and Submission. A very basic explanation is that it is a collection of sexual practices or festishes that use control, pain and restraints for both partners to achieve satisfaction. Satisfaction does not mean orgasms! It can mean mental satisfaction, just as much as physical satisfaction. It often involves power play (ie. relationships between Doms and subs) although for some it is just some kinky playtime and the power exchange does not leave the bedroom.

We would like to think that the BDSM world is very welcoming and accepting of anybody who wants to be a part of it, regardless of your gender, age, shape, disability … you should be free to be YOU and that is the beauty of the BDSM culture.

Previously, BDSM might have been thought to be quite taboo, and while people not familiar with the lifestyle may still think that, mainstream media has made the general community more accepting of sexual differences.

Where did it start? A brief history of BDSM

Back years and years ago, sex was just for procreation. BDSM practices start back to when us evolving humans began having sex for fun! Ancient Romans and Greeks had terms for sexual activities that included bondage and spanking. The Karma Sutra (ancient Indian text which you probably know for the variety of sexual positions) offers advice on different types of spankings! In the late 1800s, homosexuality and BDSM was not at all accepted and those who leaned towards them were thought to have a mental illness or have something wrong with them. This was because uncomprehending loved ones would worry about abuse - this has changed for the better these days with much more openness about sexuality and the understanding that people CAN consent to BDSM. If they want to engage in it, that is their choice to do and there is nothing wrong with them for doing so!

Japan has a beautiful tapestry of history in BDSM with bondage known as Kinbaku (“tight bindings”) - those not in the lifestyle might enjoy macrame and crochet; for those into bondage and restraints, kinbaku is just a kinky form of that with many intricate knots being tied to create an aesthetic effect which is just beautiful!

Why are people into BDSM?

There are a multitude of reasons why people love BDSM. For those who are not turned on by various fetishes or kinks and just enjoy plain old sex, and there is nothing wrong with that either. Nothing wrong with good old missionary if you love that! But for others, we crave more. Some are just wired to be submissives and long to be owned, some are desperate for domination and love taking control. Others just dabbling in kink might be looking to spice up things in the bedroom! There is something wonderful in knowing that you can do anything as long as you consent to it. Consent is a huge part of BDSM and both parties, unless you specifically negotiate to play in a consensual non-consent way, must consent to whatever play is going to take place. There are different approaches to consent you can take, eg. Safe Sane Consensual (SSC) or RACK. 

Types of BDSM

The components to BDSM are three-fold: bondage and discipline, sadism-masochism and submission-domination. All of these can interact with each other and often it can involve non-sexual acts. A person can be both a Dominant and a submissive - they are called Switches.

Bondage and discipline

One party (the sub or bottom) enjoys being restrained and controlled, physically or verbally, by the other (the Dominant/Domme or Top). Bondage can be so erotic and sensual and a bondage session is satisfying for all involved whether there is sexual gratification or not. There can also be an aesthetic element to bondage like with kinbaku or shibari.

Discipline can take place even when not physically together. The Dominant partner can make demands of the partner. Depending on what type of D/s relationship you are in or how you incorporate BDSM into your lifestyle, this can happen face-to-face while in a session as well as in other aspects of your lives.

Sado-masochism

These are the twin desires of wanting to hurt and wanting to be hurt. Masochists like pain, but not just any pain. The feeling of a sprained ankle, even when the same level of pain as a whip to the buttocks, will bring no good feelings at all as compared to the feeling of an impact to the body by their Dominant partner. Sexual sadism is different to psychopathic sadism - the pain being inflicted and being endured must be consensual.

Submission and domination (D/s)

A Dom and sub relationship can exist with any genders (ie. a male Daddy with a male sub, a male Daddy with a female sub, a Domme (female Dom) with a male or female sub).

A Dominant can also be called a Dom, Top, Dominant, Master, Mistress, Dominatrix

A submissive can also be called a sub, bottom, submissive, slave, little

Switch - this is someone who can take on either role in BDSM scenes; either a Dominant role or a submissive role.

BDSM Essentials

If you are just wanting to engage in some kinky fuckery, you don’t need to go out and buy every BDSM toy under the sun. You might just like to experiment with a couple of basics to see how far you want to take your play. On the other hand, if you are a lover of BDSM already, you might have a special playspace (dungeon!) set up and want to create a wall or shelf with an amazing variety of toys to choose from to suit your mood of how you want to play. 

For our Top 10 BDSM toys to purchase, check out this article!

Safety in BDSM

Safety is paramount in BDSM! You should always discuss what your safewords will be, for both the Dom and the sub. If you have a safeword and someone uses it, play should stop IMMEDIATELY without any guilty feelings of either party for using it. You could also have a set of phrases or words with graduated meaning. For example, green means ‘yes more please’, orange means ‘please slow down as I am starting to feel uncomfortable’ and red means ‘stop right now’. BDSM relationships are based on full trust and honesty, so if a safeword is used, you need to trust that your partner will respect it and stop.

Trauma

Sometimes BDSM play can trigger traumatic events and result in a freakout. It can make it difficult to be able to use your safeword. The Dominant should be very aware of their submissive’s body language and pay attention during play, even verbally checking in if you know there might be a trigger for the submissive. Subs can be under complete control of their Dominant and will often urge them to push beyond previously agreed upon boundaries while in the moment, and the Dominant must know how much further they can safely go and stop if necessary if they know the submissive has reached their limit.

Potential injuries

BDSM can involve risky play and you can get injuries or marks! Be aware of it and discuss with your partner beforehand if you need to avoid getting marks. Choose safe toys that you can get out of quickly, for example handcuffs that you don’t need to get a key for, and keep scissors handy to cut off any ropes when engaging in bondage.

How to encourage your partner

If you are not yet in the lifestyle and have a partner, talk to them about BDSM. They might secretly be wishing you would tie them up or desperately want to spank you. BDSM relationships often have the most amazing communication which results in fun consensual explorative play and an incredibly strong bond between you.

These are just some of the very basics of BDSM. There is so much more and we could write entire articles on each individual point! But we think this is a good starting read to start your learning and kink journey. Play safe and have fun!