Online D/s relationships - all you need to know about being in a cyber D/s relationship

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Online D/s relationships - all you need to know about being in a cyber D/s relationship

Why be in a cyber/online D/s relationship?

(Original article from

If you are exploring BDSM on the Internet, chances are at some point, you will be drawn into the world of message boards, chat rooms, and online D/s. Online D/s is perhaps one of the most controversial subjects in the Dominance and submission community. 

As in any vanilla relationship, a cyber BDSM LDR requires commitment, honesty and time from all participants. It requires an active imagination 
and a bit of extra work to keep the power exchange that a BDSM relationship requires, in place. The Dominant can maintain that feeling of submission in his submissive using daily rituals, rules and by assigning tasks. The submissive can do their part to keep the power exchange healthy through dedication and obedience. Imagination, creativity and attention become extremely important here. A dominant who neglects the submissive because they are LDR, will soon find himself without a submissive. The same goes for the submissive.

Why choose a BDSM LDR? Many of enter online relationships because they are in a community with a small to no D/s presence. Others do so because they are in real life relationships with a vanilla partner that has no inclination of wanting to explore BDSM in any shape or form. As long as the Dominant or submissive is fully honest with all of their partners, these types of relationships can be quite successful. Some use an online D/s relationship to learn more about Dominance and submission, to see if it’s something that they may be interested in for a real time experience.

A cyber relationship, in my experience, can indeed be very real. I base this on personal experience as well as knowledge of other people in relationships of that nature. The mind is the largest sexual organ in humans. Cyber interactions deal directly with the mind. Because of this, one can create a mental and emotional bond much faster online.

It also offers a sense of anonymity that allows people to open up faster and deeper than they would in a face to face conversation. This enhances the feeling of emotional closeness to the person you are interacting with and strengthens the mental bond. This bond is very real to the one who feels it. A relationship is highly individual. Being yourself and not creating all of these fake worlds and backgrounds is an absolute necessity to make a cyber BDSM LDR work. If you have little or no experience in parts of BDSM in reality, then it is most difficult to discuss how you might react to something. This should be made known to your partner. By hiding your lack of experience, you set yourself and your partner up for some serious hurt.

It is easy to get lost in the fantasy part of cyber BDSM. It is also dangerous to believe that everything that happens during cyber sex or scenes, are an exact replica of what would happen in real life. Just because you kneel in cyber, does not mean you can do it in reality. Or just because you can type that you flogged someone, doesn't mean you have the experience or knowledge to actually do so in real life. It is important to keep the fantasy part of cyber interactions separated from the reality part.

With a little effort and lots of honesty and commitment and cyber BDSM relationship can be rewarding and enjoyable for those involved. Keep it real and those rewards and enjoyment become even greater.

Challenges and what to do when conflict happens 

(Original article from


Power exchange (TPE) relationships require a lot of focus and attention by both parties. It is a process of continual negotiation and adaptation. From the outset, there is a journey of discovery in terms of setting up rituals, protocols and energy levels. For a sustainable relationship, it’s about knowing each other intimately and developing the trust to explore the unexplored.

Online BDSM relationships usually start out by being about mental exploration, without the physical intimacy. Webcams and phonesex are pretty much the apex of intimacy. That mental exploration begins by exchanging and producing a mediated space between the Master and the slave – a “space” to form a mental mediated connection.

Mental space is intense, and:

• there will be times where you doubt the relationship. How real is the other person? How seriously involved are you both?
• it can be difficult to shift mental energy back and forth between cyber and real space, and that can take a toll. At the extreme end, it could start to feel like mental dissociation, but even if it doesn’t get that difficult it can still feel draining to be regularly switching energies.


Online relationships can be intense, and our mental psych can become highly connected to someone who’s not physically there. When conflict happens, the stability of that connection falls apart. Everything can become hard work, and the tech tools we thought were so efficient and wonderful can start to seem blunt and ineffective. Or, it can suddenly seem to switch off, like a light switch. All the rituals and daily protocols that have been established over time can quickly be broken.

Hopefully that will never happen, but if or when it does, it’s important that you have social support you can rely on. Call it an “emergency plan”. There’s no moving of furniture in and out of the apartment in an online relationship. They can start fast and they can hit the rocks fast. You might be able to cope with the bad times alone, but it will always be a lot easier if you have support.

That goes for any online relationship of course, but D/s power exchange is a particularly intense and trusting environment, and the tough times can be very touch.

Real friends, who can listen to you and comfort you, are always going to be the best support, but if your BDSM relationship is something that you don’t share with your friends then it might mean having an online community around you. FetLife is a great place to start.

Whatever you can manage, make sure you have a safety net in place. Don’t ever isolate yourself.

Staying safe and how do you submit online

(Original article from

Online D/s is perhaps one of the most controversial subjects in the Dominance and submission community. The stance I will take on this subject, based on online D/s relationships of my own, is that yes; it can and does work. Is it anything like real-time, face-to-face Dominance, and submission relationships? No, not at all. That said, it is still very real and intense for those of us in online or Long Distance Relationships (LDR), and often can and will lead to a real-time (RT) relationship. In my opinion, the most important thing to remember here is safety.

Staying Safe Online

There are a few things you can do to keep yourself safer while in an online relationship, or looking for someone to begin a relationship with online:

  • First and foremost do not, under any circumstances, give out your home address before you have really gotten to know this person. Wait a few weeks or even a few months. While in the end, you must use your own judgment, if you have any “red flags” about the person you are chatting with do not give out personal information.
  • If you and your online partner really want to exchange things via “snail mail” but you still do not want to give out your home address, get a post office box.
  • Along the same lines as not giving out your home address, do not give out other important information such as your social security number, debit/credit card pin numbers and so forth. These things may happen once you are in a stable, secure, full-time real-time relationship, but until then keep these things to yourself.
  • If the person you are chatting with asks for your home address after a few days and you decline, they should respect that, they should say they respect that, and then they should leave it alone. If they do not, that is a big red flag for you. Reconsider this relationship!
  • One other thing you must think hard about is exchanging photos of yourself. This is especially important if the photos are nude, fetish or kinky. Once a photo is on the internet, you no longer have control over who sees it. You must take into consideration what would happen if family, friends and/or co-workers found naked and/or kinky photos of you. And also please keep in mind, while you may simply be emailing the photos, once the recipient has them, s/he may do with them as they please. If you are going to be “free” with your photos, you must be able to accept and cope with other's seeing them, and the possibility of them being posted online. These also apply to webcam usage. It's very easy to download a program that can capture what the user is looking at on their computer screen. This can include the webcam video of you doing whatever it is you are doing for your online D/s partner. These can be saved, and then uploaded to many websites.

Why Would You Want an Online Relationship?

Alright, safety aside, perhaps the most commonly asked question is “Why online??” “Why LDR??” Well, the answer is different for everybody. I will go over a few of the answers here.

  • First many of us enter online and/or LDR's because we are in a community with a small to no D/s presence. This is the primary reason for me being in an online/LDR right now. The community I live in is quite conservative and the local BDSM community is incredibly small and quite frankly not safe in my opinion. As such, I am choosing to be in a long distance relationship with my Master until I can be closer to Him.
  • Secondly, many online D/s'ers do so because they are in other relationships, perhaps even married and use the online D/s relationship to get their Dominance and submission needs to be fulfilled. And so long as the Dominant or submissive is fully honest with all of their partners, can be quite successful. If this is you, I urge you to be honest with your real-time partner. While there often is no sex involved, it is still another relationship and in my opinion, you owe it to your real-time partner, to be honest about those needs and how you are getting them fulfilled. And you also owe it to your Dom or sub that you have another relationship.
  • Another reason is that some use an online D/s relationship to learn more about Dominance and submission. To see if it's something that they may be interested in for a real-time experience. While I do agree that it is nothing like the real-time thing, there are many similarities, which I will go into shortly, and can be a good primer to see if something more intense would be a right fit for that individual.
  • A fourth reason is that the person simply does not want the real-time thing. They want the, for lack of better words, pseudo- or watered-down version of a Dominance and submission relationship that an online relationship can provide. My opinion of this is: whatever makes them happy. If that's how they get their needs fulfilled, then all the more power to them.

How Do You Submit Online?

Now that we have the “why's” aside I am sure you are wondering “HOW??” “How is it done??” Well, there are several ways.

  • When it comes to giving tasks, orders and controlling the submissive's life, orders can be given in many ways. Please remember the safety talk above. Most of these will come after you have established the trust with your partner:
    • A favorite of mine is text messages. I love that Master has the ability to text me an order. How does He know I did it though? Well, that is...
    • Photos. You can take photos of your completed task and picture mail them to your Master. (i must say this is my favorite thing to do for Master...especially when it's a surprise. This is something you real-timers can do too! Surprise your Master with a photo of you doing something He just loves) You could also take photos with a digital camera and upload them then email them to Him as “proof.”
    • Webcam. While you are chatting online you can turn on your webcam and your Master can watch you actually perform the task.
    • Simple honesty. There are some things where you will only be able to answer questions about after you have done it. As such, if you are unable to provide an apt description, your partner will know you didn't do it.
  • Online calendars and email reminders. This can be handy if your Dom wants to randomly give you tasks for the week/month. I'm quite fond of Yahoo's calendar system for this. The tasks can be set into the program and it sends you a reminder email. Another nice thing about it is you can program in your work schedule so your Dom knows when you're at work and can thus alter the tasks to fit a work environment.
  • Daily emails and/or blogs. Master wants me to do daily blogs as a way to “keep up” with how I am doing, etc. This can also be a way for your Dom to know what you do during your day, etc. Another thing this is good for is writing “reports” or “essays” for your Dom that S/He assigns you. I've seen both real-time and LDR couples doing this, and I myself quite love it.
  • Self-bondage and other self-induced BDSM play. For this please keep in mind BDSM safety. But, many things you can do is under-the-clothes bondage, using things such as pleasure (ben-wa) balls, and/or anal beads under your clothes at work and/or simple breast bondage. With this, you're limited to things you can do to yourself, but it's still fun and it's getting a little of the “kink” in your life.

Well, that's a pretty basic, partially detailed description of how we do online/LDR D/s relationships. I would like to mention that I'm sure you've noticed I used “real-time” instead of “real life.” The reason I did this is that for those of us in online/LDR D/s relationships, they are very real to us. They simply do not face to face as live-in relationships are. While I am not living with Master right now and am, in my opinion, way too far away from Him right now, He gives me orders and I follow them as I would if I were living with Him. The orders may be altered a bit, but they are still there. The feelings I have for Him are just as real as if O/our relationship were face to face. Many times those of us in long distance D/s relationships, we are in them because of circumstances beyond our control. I honestly was not looking when I met Master, but it just sort of took off from there. The emotions, desires, and feelings, while different than in real-time, are still there and are still incredibly intense. One last word about safety:

Beware of predators. Many people out there use the internet as a tool for their own pleasure, and nothing else. Someone who has contacted you because they truly wish to get to know you better is incredibly unlikely to 'order' you to undress on the webcam and perform some BDSM act. This is a huge red flag. As are other 'standard' BDSM and D/s red flags:

  • 'Ordering' you to call them Master, Mistress, Sir before the relationship is established and those titles have been “earned.”

  • Similarly, calling you “slave” and other submissive pet names before the dynamics have been established.

  • Expecting you to immediately act submissive simply on the grounds you are submissive and s/he is Dominant.

  • Also, beware those who have other relationships and are not honest about them. If they are unwilling, to be honest with their husband/wife/main slave/what-have-you, what are the chances they will be honest with you?

All these safety precautions aside, the internet is a wonderful tool for meeting people. I and many others have met their Masters/slaves on it. If you are safety conscious while being honest and true to yourself, you'd be surprised what can come of it.

What can you do online?

(Original article from

Everything is written under the assumption that the Dominant is male and the submissive is female. If this is not the case, use your common sense and reverse is respectively!
Slight variations are not listed, alter to your preferences and circumstances.

REMEMBER, a D/s relationship involves two caring people just like a vanilla one

Using Snail Mail....

-- Send the submissive a collar or a piece of jewlry to wear as a collar
-- Send the submissive toys to use
-- Have the submissive take a picture of herself with her hands in her panties and then cum in them, hand wash them, and mail to them to the Dominant. Email the photo or send it with the panties. The Dominant should then repeat the process, take picture of himself with the panties wrapped around his cock (alternatively with his cum in them) and cum in them, hand was them and send them back to the submissive. Email the picture or send it with the panties. This can be done the other way around, or both ways.
-- Send the Dominant a worn (but hygenic) pair of panties or bra to keep
-- Send the submissive a worn (but hygenic) pair of underwear or shirt to keep
-- Send presents to one another (sexual or non sexual)
-- Send hand written letters
-- Have the submissive put lipstick on and kiss a sheet of paper, writing a phrase like 'for my master' beneath it and send it to the Dominant
-- Have a teddy bear or something similar to send back and forth, each sleeping with it for a few nights before sending it back (perhaps use two so you each always have one)

Using Live Video...

-- Spend time simply 'sitting' with one another, perhaps watching the same movie or just sitting, busying yourself however, or perhaps leave it on for the night as you each fall asleep. Just spend time together. This will mean the world to the submissive
-- Watch a movie at the same time and stay in contact, talking about it
-- Masturbate mutually and perhaps give instructions (harder, faster, slower, deeper, pull out, two fingers ect.)or/and perhaps tell them about what you would like to be doing to them
-- Watch the submissive masturbate and perhaps give instructions (harder, faster, slower, deeper, pull out, two fingers ect.) or/and perhaps tell them about what you would like to be doing to them
-- Watch the Dominant masturbate. The submissive may or may not be allowed to touch, may have to play with breasts, present themselves, strip, dance, beg the Dominant to cum on them, tell the Dominant what they would like to be doing for the Dominant or tell the submissive what the Dominant would like to be doing to them
-- Have the submissive do a strip tease
-- Have the submissive spank themselves
-- Have the submissive beg
-- Have the submissive give a 'speech' about something like: who owns them, that they are your property, that providing you with pleasure satisfies them, be creative!
-- Have the submissive slap themselves
-- Have the submissive taste their cum
-- Have the submissive lick their breast
-- Have the submissive play with 'toys'
-- Have the submissive display themselves in some fashion
-- Have the submissive replicate sucking the Dominant's cock (with a finger or toy)
-- Keep the submissive naked while chatting
-- Blow kisses

-- Do any of the activities from other categories on live video

Using Text...

Dominant MUST remain contactable, abandoning submissive part way could be bad for health. Safety measures MUST be taken...
-- Do any 'Self Sub' items but progressively while communicating back and forth
-- Watch a movie at the same time and stay in contact, talking about it
-- Write stories for one another (can be dirty, very dirty), may also be given as an assignment by Dominant
-- Have submissive write how they would do something for the Dominant
-- Cyber sex (kind of exciting with a long term partner actually)
-- Have the submissive write about their favourite way to da da da (be taken/please master/get oral/ect). It doesn't have to be dirty
-- Just tell your partner what you would like to be doing (I love it when my Master tells me ho much he wants to cuddle me)
-- Ask the Dominant what they are doing and then write about what you would be doing if you were there. Details make it shine!
-- Have the submissive write essays. This is good for punishment. It may be on something like the pleasure of pain, why respect is important, how to hold a certain position, anything. It may even be on some finance thing if desired! Just be sure to read it Dominants!
-- Send affectionate messages out of the blue
-- Tell the submissive to find a place to masturbate out of the blue
-- Randomly give the submissive a task or action to do, subtle or bold as agreed (don't do this in a public place unless you know your partner well subs!)
-- Have the submissive write a journal/The Dominant write a journal (for the other to read of course)

Using Phone...

-- Call the submissive in a public place and tell them dirty things. The submissive may or may not need to say dirty things back, depending on agreement
-- Have the submissive call at specified times each day/night
-- Watch a movie at the same time and stay in contact, talking about it
-- Call the submissive out of the blue, leave a voice mail if they can't pick up, just to make them feel loved
-- If allowed, call the Dominant out of the blue, leave a voice mail if they can't pick up, just to make them feel loved
-- Call the submissive and have them listen to the Dominant masturbate/have them masturbate
-- Have the submissive call the Dominant every time they want to masturbate
-- Have the submissive go to the rest room during the day and call the Dominant/have the Dominant call them. 

-- They must not say a word while the Dominant directs them to masturbate or cause pain
-- Call one another in the middle of the night (not too often!), just to say you are thinking about the other

Taking Photos or Videos...

-- Take photos/video of any task performed/as 'proof' it was done
-- Take photos/video of submissive kneeling, displaying self, touching for Dominant
-- Take photos/video of Dominant touching for submissive
-- Send photos to each other of yourself just having fun normally
-- Take a video diary to send to the other (good for submissive to send to Dominant)
-- Record video messages for each other, affectionate, sexual, orders, fantasies
-- Have submissive take specific photos
-- Have the submissive keep a socially acceptable photo of the Dominant on their phone or in their wallet so they are consistently being reminded they must behave
-- Have the submissive take a socially acceptable photo to give to the Dominant to display in a wallet, on a phone, in a frame, just somewhere so the submissive feels loved
-- Record video/s the submissive must listen to before sleeping or before getting up in the morning
-- Have the submissive record a fantasy for the Dominant's pleasure
-- Have the submissive take pictures with lewd phrases written on their body (Master's cunt, please fuck me, Roy's property, Al's bitch, ect.)
-- Send a picture of the Dominant to the submissive and have the submissive kiss/bow before it at specified times
-- Send a picture of the Dominant's cock to the submissive and have the submissive kiss/bow before it at specified times
-- Send the submissive a picture of the Dominant/'s dick and have the submissive look at it each time she masturbates/undresses
-- Have the submissive send the Dominant pictures of herself in common positions for the Dominant to look at when she is ordered to be in them
-- Take a video of yourself touching to send to the other to watch while masturbating
-- Have the submissive take a picture of herself bowing toward the camera and send it to the Dominant. The Dominant should put it in a lowered place where he can see it often

Self Sub (on her own)...

Dominant should check on submissive ASAP when asked to perform activities alone. Safety measures MUST be taken...
-- Self bondage
-- Masturbation
-- Self spanking (breasts, thighs, ass, pussy, all good ones)
-- Ice in any hole and left to melt (may be put in just before leaving house
-- Write the Dominant's name on submissive's body before beginning their day to remember who owns them
-- Shave Dominant's initial into pussy hair
-- Recite rules at specified intervals
-- Spend specified times in certain positions/masturbating
-- Dominant sets times to do certain things
-- Research topic specified by Dominant
-- Exercise to make body better
-- Clothes pins on nipples/pussy lips/lips/clit/tongue/breasts/inner thighs/anywhere! Maybe pull off or whip off (ouch!)
-- Fuck your ass
-- Wear a butt plug under your clothes for the day
-- Have the submissive paint her nails colours specified by the Dominant or paint one nail a different colour chosen by the Dominant.
-- Have the submissive paint the Dominant's initials on her nail/s
-- Have the submissive eat only at specified times
-- Have the submissive crawl at all times in her room (or house if living alone)


  • D8278

    I am in the process of possibly becoming a sub LDR. This information has really given me a better understanding of how it can work. Thank you for putting this out there.

  • slaveintraining

    One of the best for clarifying online ownership! i am a male sub just recently owned, i just absolutely love it by the way, Mistress loves when i surprise Her with what I have learned about doing my research. The first time i read it last night it really helped clarify questions about how real my relationship is online with Her saving me from the embarrassment and humiliation of asking “is this real.” Unfortunately Mistress lives in a separate country, so online LDR is our only option. The feelings are so strong I can’t deny it. People either get it or they don’t, it’s all or nothing, at first I did think it silly but I gave it a chance and I am

  • Jez

    Hi thanks for the info. Very helpful and informative.

  • IzzyRyda

    Wonderfully detailed article. Left the D/s scene when my last sub recommitted to her marriage. This is a great primer for my return.

  • MistressKalah

    I like your article thanks for posting :)

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