Introduction to being a Dominant

For Doms, Starting Out -

Introduction to being a Dominant

This article is for those men or women who want to know how to be a Dominant or Domme. Everyone has different kinks, desires, fantasies and fetishes and it is those in the kink world who learn to explore them. When entering the BDSM world, you need to be able to have open, honest and mature conversations about your needs and desires. A fetish is a specific “abnormal” desire, whereas a kink is general and encompasses all your fetishes. Most kinks involve doing something to someone else or having someone else do something to you. In just kinky play, without BDSM dynamics, it is more of a game in your bedroom. In a Dominant/submissive (D/s) relationship it involves power play, where the Dominant is in control.

A Dominant (Dom) is also known as a Top or a Domme (for females).

Why would anyone (male or female) want to submit?

To the people uneducated or unaware of BDSM and kinks, they might find our activities degrading, wrong, offensive or humiliating. People in power exchange relationships might find some of the activities degrading or humiliating but that is part of play and it is never wrong nor should it ever be offensive. A D/s relationship is based on respect, honesty, trust and communication. A true Dominant will degrade and humiliate a sub because he respects them. A sadist Dominant will hurt a sub because he loves them. It is never ever about anger, disgust or hate. When you are a Dominant and taking complete control, you free your submissive to just feel and enjoy and submit. The amount of trust required to do that is phenomenal and if you feel like that responsibility and amount of trust is a bit scary, then you can play in kinky ways with your partner but not be a Dominant.

The power paradox

It is commonly said that a sub holds all the power, despite the Dom making choices, giving orders and delivering punishments. The sub can always say what is unacceptable, what her limits are and what she does consent and doesn’t consent to. A sub can make a choice in a full power exchange relationship to continue to choose to give away control and power to her Dominant, but even when she does that wilfully it is perfectly okay for her to speak up at any time, respectfully of course.


Mistakes and accidents are bound to happen but if you do make a mistake, you should learn from it. There are some things that you should not do though until you are confident that you can perform them with skill and precision, otherwise the mistakes you might make could seriously injure your submissive. Your job is to push the limits and boundaries of your sub without ever going too far and breaking them. And to make them yearn to come back for more!

There are a lot of physical or mental risks to aspects of D/s relationships and kink play, so just because you have seen it in a video before does not mean you can dive right into a potentially dangerous activity. Research and practice and have a lot of honest and open communication with your sub before you even start to play. 

Honesty is a necessity

BDSM requires absolutely, total, complete honesty!

Be honest with yourself and who you are, what you need and what you want. Be honest with your sub - with what you want and need from them, what you are capable of giving to them in return. Never tell a sub what you think they want to hear; it should always be the truth. Make sure your sub is honest with you and are being truthful about their limits - if they say they want something because they think you want them to say that, it can leave them mentally broken. Sometimes subs will be ignorant of their own limits, needs and desires - so you will need to always make sure they communicate as best they can, but also observe them in play and watch for anything not quite right.

If you make a mistake, own up to it and provide boundless support and compassion. If a mistake happens and play needs to stop, don’t expect to continue playing if your sub is not able to.

Everything is about your sub

Being a Dominant means having a lot of responsibility. You need to make decisions for your sub and about your sub and it must be the best choice for them, as they are trusting you with their heart, body and soul. The role of being a Dom is not for you if you cannot be selfless and make decisions with your sub’s interests always at heart.

To gain the level of trust required for a D/s relationship, you need to prove that your sub will be rewarded for putting her trust in you and so she always feels that she can trust you implicitly.

Have pride

If you are a Dominant, you should be confident that you are a good Dom and you need to be proud of who you are and what you can do. Your submissive will have inherent respect for you. You should be proud of your kinks and perversions and ooze confidence together with intrigue and appeal. By confidently and earnestly saying that you are sexually Dominant and beingable to answer any questions honestly, women (or men) who share your kinks will find you irresistible. Some may not find your kinks their cup of tea and that is okay. It just means that they aren’t your match for a D/s relationship.

Toy Tips for a new Dom

Once you fall in love with the BDSM lifestyle and being a Dominant, you will probably end up with a growing toy and tool collection! Know how to use them all safely, always clean them before and after use, store them nicely, keep locks locked so you have the keys handy and display them with pride in your playspace!

Final note on safety

This article does not canvas everything to do with being a Dominant and starting out in the D/s lifestyle. You should also do lots of research and learning on all things BDSM especially safety, such as having safewords in play.


We wish you all the best in your journey to becoming a Dominant in this wonderful lifestyle that we live!


*** These articles have been written by people from their perspectives and personal experiences.
Please excuse the references to Dom, Domme, he, she etc....
Simply put, if you're focusing on that you are missing the entire point of the article and the kink value of acceptance. ***

1 comment

  • Antonio

    Extraordinario la simple y honesta formaxde introduccion al tema…congratulaciones

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