BDSM 101: Communication within a Dom and sub relationship

Communication, For Doms, Starting Out -

BDSM 101: Communication within a Dom and sub relationship

Communication, trust and honesty are the building blocks of a wonderful and successful BDSM relationship!

If your submissive is acting strangely or not like their usual self … ask them how they are and ask questions that encourage them to talk without giving you one word answers! If you are having thoughts about different plays you would like to try, never feel weird about speaking up! The worst your partner can say is no, that’s a hard limit for me. 

Sparks and chemistry help relationships, but what keeps it going so strong is open communication. It is more important than any other relationship to have communication in your kink relationship. You need to be able to share your needs, desires, aspirations, fears, insights and curiosity with each other. 

Top tips!

Learn what makes you hesitant to share so that you can become better about moving past it. Knowing your partner will listen to you and not judge you is important.

Be upfront about what you love and don’t love, what scares you and what you want to try.

Don’t expect your partner to be able to read your mind. Yes, sometimes it seems as though some Dominants can read your mind and know what you are thinking before you even say it! But never assume that they can. Always speak up. Communication can be subtle, non-verbal communication as well, which allows for a sub to anticipate their Dominant’s needs and the Dominant to take cues from the sub’s body language. But don’t forget to use your words!

Express your curiosity. If you don’t understand something, ask for clarity. If your partner is telling you something, engage in active listening, ask follow-up questions and keep focused on the conversation - don’t go off on a tangent about something else yourself unless the conversation naturally flows in that direction!

Express your feelings, thoughts and ideas. It is important not to stay bottled up; if you are feeling off, let your partner know that you are and that you need help to get back on track and be able to express what you are thinking.

Share ideas! While your partner doesn’t need to know every little thought that pops into your head (for example, if you don’t live with your partner, you don’t need to tell them your decision process about what to eat for breakfast or how you decided what petrol station to go to. Some things to share are detailed fantasies, fresh insights, recurring fears, new fears, authentic desires, life aspirations, personal obstacles, events that made you have big feelings, whether sad, angry or happy, images of kinky things that turn you on, links to interesting sites that you are fascinated by, delighted by, or horrified by, ideas for things to do … so many ideas!

Be always open to learning to interpret what your partner says correctly. Listen with an open heart and mind, don’t jump to conclusions, don’t be judgmental, encourage them to elaborate and restate in your own words what they were saying so you know you fully understand it. 

Learn to read your partner - be aware of non-verbal cues like body language and general changes in mood, and learn to understand what they mean. If you don’t understand, ask!

Understand your emotional vulnerabilities so that they do not cause a communication breakdown. Speak calmly and openly when discussing topics such as this.

How to communicate? Oh so many ways! Speak every day - if it can’t be in person, then over the phone or video chat. Text message or instant message - it is no substitute for voice or face time, but still fosters good communication. Keep a journal and do writings to share

All these tips should help you to develop a relationship with a superb level of open communication and in turn, lead to the most beautiful bond in a D/s relationship!

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