BDSM 101: Playing Safely and Understanding Risks in BDSM Play
Playing in all sorts of kinky ways and being in the BDSM lifestyle is not without its risks. That’s just a matter of fact! This is not to tell you about the risks of all the different types of play or safe sex practices, but more to be aware of what you are doing and ensure you have full consent and understanding of what you are doing. Your body can be pushed to its limits and in order to do that, you need to be playing safely. One of the very first things to discuss with your partner is how to be safe! The two most common acronyms in relation to consent and safety are Safe, Sane and Consensual (SSC) and Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK). They are very well known and you can follow one, both or incorporate different parts of each philosophy into your dynamic.
Safe, Sane and Consensual
Safe: There are going to be obvious risks when you do more extreme types of play like breath play, needle play and pain play. But here safe generally refers to a reminder that no matter what type of play you are doing, it is so important to play safely to avoid permanent injury or harm, be that physical or emotional.
Sane: BDSM play can often blur the lines between fantasy and reality, and can involve acting out or role playing your wildest fantasies which can be exciting! Sane refers to the protection of your mind, feelings and emotions. It can also be interpreted literally - make sure you are making a decision to consent when you are of sane mind, that is, not intoxicated or under the influence of a substance that is influencing the activities you are doing.
Consensual: Consent, consent, consent! For the most newbie of newbies, they might not fully understand that just because you are a top or Dominant, it does not mean they have the right to do anything they want to their submissive. The submissive or bottom MUST have consented to the act and to do this means communication must have occurred so both parties are fully informed about what they are consenting to.
Some people might find that SSC is too limiting and not an accurate guidelines for safe sex within BDSM so might go to RACK - the main difference begng Risk Aware. This means that both or all parties have agreed, accepted, and acknowledge the risks that are involved. This approach acknowledges that all forms of kink play involve some sort of risk and some are not safe at all! Whichever approach you choose, SSC or RACK, just remember that the main elements between consenting adults is communication and respect.
Some of the risks to be aware of, depending on what type of play you are participating in, are burns, nerve damage, broken bones, pulled muscles, internal bleeding, anxiety or panic attacks and emotional trauma. The level of risk varies considerably based on what level of play you are going to do. For example, the risks with using a crop are significantly less than the risks of doing suspension bondage.
Aftercare
Once you have done your negotiations about what your limits are and what type of play you are doing and you are both aware of the risks and consenting, you also PRIOR TO PLAY need to negotiate aftercare. What are you going to do together after the scene has ended? Communicate clearly and effectively what you both need and want after a scene. The expression of your desires and boundaries will help you feel protected and will make sure everyone is aware of your limits. This includes just using common sense, for example, if you are going alone to a play party, tell someone where you are going. Also use common sense to talk everything out beforehand and to know when you should not be engaging in BDSM play, for example if you or your partner are injured or impaired or even emotionally compromised due to stresses in your life or a traumatic event.
Safe words
The next important thing that you need is to discuss safe words with your partner. Choose words that you would be unlikely to use in normal conversation and something short and concise that you can blurt out quickly and clearly if you need to. Maybe you are hurt, uncomfortable, overwhelmed or emotionally distressed. Maybe you saw your partner move in a way that triggered a painful memory. There is never any shame in using a safe word and you should make that clear with each other before play that there is to be no guilt felt if you need to use one. You could also choose words with graduated meaning (ie. green, keep going; yellow, slow down; or red, stop immediately!). Discuss all of this with your partner beforehand so you both know exactly what each word means. You need to always stay physically and emotionally okay!
Physical safety
Before engaging in any play with risks, you should be aware of physical safety. For example, have your submissive warm up or stretch before being restrained or made to go into restrictive poses. Check restraints are not cutting off circulation, check the temperature of items. Continually check in during play, not just once and then forgetting about it! The submissive also needs to be able to speak up if you feel something is not right. There is a difference between good pain and bad pain, and while the Dominant might be fantastic at reading your body language, the submissive should still take responsibility for being able to have a voice if something is not quite right. You can always use a safeword, check in with each other, fix whatever is not right, and go straight back to play! Just be careful about your mental state if the safeword was used for your mind not being okay. You can always play another day!
Other physical safety ideas are to have scissors nearby or to use quick release cuffs and restraints. Never leave a bound person alone, make sure the restrained person hanges positions at least once an hour to avoid circulation problems, make sure they can be released quickly, and always remain sober - never play while under the influence of anything! And physical comforts afterwards are important like having healing and resting time with a soft blanket and water.
Emotional safety
Never forget about your emotional wellbeing! People first think of physical safety in BDSM, but when you play in a scene, it involves so many emotions and changing headspaces that you might feel out of reality or experience a trigger. You should make sure you are in the right emotional state for playing. If, during a scene, you become uncomfortable with a particular scenario or what your partner is doing, it is absolutely vital to use your safe word to immediately stop play. You can negotiate to continue to play even when there will be triggers involved, as some people find that therapeutic. Humiliation play and punishments for example might be unpleasant and make you uncomfortable, but it may have been negotiated to use that in play and you knew it would be uncomfortable but wanted to play in that style anyway. In any event, even if you negotiate to do a triggering type of play, there should be nothing to stop you changing your mind before you eventually start or even mid-way through play.
Support system
Sometimes you won’t realise what things in your scene will end up being triggers and all of a sudden you find yourself emotionally overwhelmed. And this is why safewords are so important. You can separate and disengage from the current scene and remove yourself from the environment. Maybe you need some physical gentle touch from your partner, or to have a drink of water and do some deep breathing. Find the best ways for yourself to calm down both quickly and safely, and have a process or system in place to support you and your partner if a safeword is used and in the period immediately after play. If you need to quickly change headspaces, try changing outfits and using your aftercare techniques that work for you to settle your mind. BDSM can have a similar affect on the body as drugs, and there often is a ‘come down’ period. It’s a bit like you shouldn’t run a full marathon and then stop suddenly afterwards; you should do some cooling down stretches. Aftercare is those stretches.
Seeking medical advice
If you think you may have some sort of injury after BDSM play or there are sensations in your body that are unusual, you should find a medical professional you are comfortable with. Just be open and honest so that they can best help you. You could also find a counsellor if you are feeling emotionally unwell or are not copying with what has triggered you.
Safety is a precaution. You might not require the same level of care if you are having sex in a bedroom with some light spanking as opposed to an intense heavy bondage scene with forced sexual activity. Both of those types of play are BDSM in nature, yet both generally require completely different levels of safety precautions, negotiations and aftercare.
No matter what type of play you are engaging in, it is exciting, thrilling and just one of the most amazing experiences that you can fulfill your life with, particularly for those Dominants and submissives who absolutely need their D/s relationship in their life because it is how they are wired. And remember, mistakes happen and that is okay! So long as you have had great communication and have had safety in the forefront of your mind, if an accident happens, do not let that ruin you for playing in the future. Get back on the horse so to speak!
