How to explain BDSM to my friends
Deciding whether to discuss your BDSM lifestyle with people outside the kink community, often referred to as "vanilla" individuals, is a personal choice. You are essentially revealing a private aspect of your life, which can feel daunting. If you're uncomfortable with this, it's perfectly acceptable to keep this part of your life private. For many, it's safer to remain discreet and enjoy their lifestyle behind closed doors. Others, like myself, feel no need to hide and are open to answering questions from those who are genuinely curious.
What to Say About BDSM
When discussing BDSM with those unfamiliar with it, it’s important to provide a balanced view that gives them insight without overwhelming them. Here’s how to approach this delicate conversation.
Who Should Know?
Many people in your daily life don't need to know about your BDSM activities. Avoid sharing this information with coworkers, bosses, childcare workers, school staff, and other authority figures. These individuals might misuse this information, leading to severe consequences like job loss, child custody issues, or eviction. Even if you trust someone now, circumstances can change, and it's better not to risk it.
However, there are some people you might consider telling, such as your lawyer and doctor, who need to know for health and legal reasons. Additionally, informing a trusted next of kin in case of emergency or death is wise, especially if you have toys or other items that might need discreet handling.
Deciding to Share with Friends
You likely have both vanilla and kinky friends. When considering whether to share with your vanilla friends, it's best not to volunteer information unsolicited. If they are curious, they will ask. Before sharing, consider these factors:
- Do they show prejudice against sexual minorities?
- Are they uncomfortable discussing sex?
- Can they keep your secret?
- Would it matter if this friendship ended because of your revelation?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, it might be best to keep your BDSM activities private. They don't need to know what you do in your personal life, and you can always attribute any changes in your behavior to personal growth or newfound happiness.
Curiosity vs. Need to Know
Your friends may be naturally curious about BDSM, but it's important to temper your explanations with discretion. Sharing too much can lead to discomfort or negative perceptions. When someone asks about your lifestyle, respond with, "Are you sure you want to know?" This allows them to reconsider their curiosity. If they insist, you can then provide a measured response.
How Much Information to Share?
Gauge your friend's comfort level and share information gradually. Look for non-verbal cues such as fidgeting, avoiding eye contact, or leaning away. These signs indicate discomfort, and it's best to change the subject or stop sharing at that point.
Start with basic concepts and only delve deeper if they show genuine interest. You don't need to convince them that BDSM is the best way; just express your happiness and confidence in your choices.
Key Topics to Address
BDSM vs. Abuse
Ensure you can clearly explain that BDSM is consensual and not abusive. What you are engaging in is between two consenting adults; there is no force or coercion making it abuse that you are not consenting to.
Consent
Emphasize that all activities are consensual, clearly defined, and negotiated. Your participation is voluntary and enjoyable.
Safewords
Explain the use of safewords, which are critical safety mechanisms allowing participants to stop activities immediately if needed.
Respecting Boundaries
It's okay if your friends prefer not to know about your BDSM lifestyle. Respect their boundaries and value your friendship above all.
It's also completely okay if you decide it best not to share anything at all with them because of the risk and potential consequences of revealing too much, and damaging or changing your existing vanilla relationships or family relationships.
By carefully considering these factors, you can navigate conversations about BDSM with vanilla individuals in a way that is respectful, informative, and safe.
