(Original article from https://medium.com/sexography/how-to-get-out-from-the-bdsm-closet-475dbfaacef3)

You need to think carefully before you decide how large a part BDSM should have in your life and what consequences you are willing to live with.

Letting people around you know that you are interested in BDSM is a big decision. You need to think carefully before you decide how large a part BDSM should have in your life and what consequences you are willing to live with. You’re the only one who knows what’s best for you.

It is slowly becoming more acceptable to enjoy and practice BDSM. Still, there are many risks of being proud and open. Your work, your family situation, and your perception of integrity are factors to consider.

Do I need to come out?

You don’t have to tell anyone about your sexual orientation if you don’t want to. Don’t be pressed by partners or others. If your partner is very open, but not you, people may question you about your preferences. Calmly reply that what your partner does is her/his business. Don’t accept to be defined by whom you have a relationship with.

Not everyone feels that they can be open and proud of their kinks. There is a risk that you may be discriminated against in many contexts. Many BDSM practitioners estimate that the risk of this is too significant.

One can live happily in the BDSM community without ever being outed. Even if you meet someone, you know, by chance, they are very likely in the same position as you.

Who should I tell?

You will want to be open to people who accept you, do not judge you, and do not disclose to others about you. Be open with those you trust. Choose the right time and place so that you have time to handle the reactions the revelations may induce.

Decide how much you want to discuss. You do not need to say in detail what BDSM means to you. Your relatives probably don’t want to know everything. Think in advance about what is private to you. Even the person you are talking to has the right to their boundaries. If they ask you not to tell more, you must respect it.

How do I tell?

You can choose to talk forthright about your sexuality or try to be smoother. Be prepared for the reactions to be different than you imagined. Most people today knew something about BDSM. Their picture may not match your definition. While you envision fantastic communication among self-aware and consensual people, the one you talk to may have a different movie in their head.

Think through what you want to say beforehand, maybe write down the critical points. Talking to someone you trust can help you see your situation more clearly.

Don’t expect someone who is not into BDSM to understand everything. Instead, try to gain acceptance and respect. Some may not want to know much; others may want to know more than you want to tell.

What if I don’t want to say this face to face?

You can indicate your enthusiasm for BDSM when and how it suits you. If someone asks where you are going, you can state that you will meet people with common interests. If this is questioned, you can say more. Keeping yourself relaxed increases the chance that others don’t make a big deal of it either.

To make your family understand, you can leave books and brochures around. Look for useful articles and brochures at various BDSM organizations and forums online. Avoid erotic novels on the theme. They are fantasy material and not suitable for introducing someone to BDSM. If you are nervous about it, do what you can to reduce the stress. The more relaxed you are, the better it will go.

If it feels better to write down what you want to say, leave a letter or send an email. You can read through what you have written and change it many times before passing it along. You can also let someone you trust to read through what you composed.