Online and Long Distance D/s relationships - Punishments and Rewards!

Adapted from https://kessilylewel.com/2019/08/16/blog-post-long-distance-d-s-series-part-1-how-does-it-work/ and https://kessilylewel.com/2019/08/23/blog-post-long-distance-d-s-series-part-2-punishments/ and https://kessilylewel.com/2019/09/06/blog-post-long-distance-d-s-part-3-rewards-long-distance-scenes/

When you read romance novels about D/s relationships you get the idea that everything is about sex and that it’s all animal passions with any discipline usually just being a reason to assert the dominance that both people like. But in real life D/s comes in many different flavors and styles and some of these styles can work quite well from a distance.

If you’re the kind of person who needs to be in bed with your significant other every night and needs constant physical attention then a long-distance relationship of any kind, D/s or otherwise, may not be right for you. But many relationships these days involve distance and pretty much anything you can/would do in person can be evolved and adapted for a long-distance relationship.

Ask a military spouse how they survive without seeing their husband for a year or more at a time, or anyone with a partner that has to move to a new location frequently. It’s not always possible to pack up and go with them, especially if they will just be sent someplace else in a few months.

And then of course, many people start their relationships online now too, which means you often don’t get the luxury of falling for someone who lives nearby. Whatever the reason for your separation, technology can help to add depth and dimension to a relationship when you can’t always be in each other’s arms.

Do you get lonely sometimes? Yes, of course you do. You live for the in-person visits, but in the meantime, you use technology to nourish your bond and keep the relationship healthy.

I’ve put off writing a post on this for a few reasons. First, I am very experienced at being a long-distance sub and I have more experience at distance relationships then my Doms do and I really didn’t want to give them ideas.

Second, well… it’s not an easy topic to write about. Parts of it are kind of embarrassing which you’ll come to understand when we get to punishments. And last, it’s not going to be a quick and easy post because the dynamics are too complicated, and I want to make sure I cover everything thoroughly.

I tried to sort out how to write this and I realized there is way too much information for this to be a one-post topic without completely overloading everyone, so it had to be a series to do it justice. Right now, I’m thinking it will be four or five parts that way I can keep each one a reasonable length, but if you have questions or points you’d like to make feel free to drop them in comments or email me privately and I’ll try to make sure they are included by the end.

I was twenty when I entered my first LD relationship and it involved being on the phone pretty much all of my waking hours. Over the years this has evolved to more computer interaction and less phone time because spending that much time with someone via a device of any kind can make it difficult to get everything else in your life taken care of, and if most of your communication is via text it is a lot easier to multi-task, but that’s just my preference. I know couples who are constantly in each other’s ears as they go through the day and that works too.

I feel like the most important thing to remember when you’re apart is that you need to set aside what time you can to make each other a priority. It becomes very easy, when you communicate through text, to just occasionally reply while you’re working, spending time with family and friends, running errands—and that’s nice.

Checking in with each other is important, but in the same way you’d still need a date night to focus on each other if you were physically together, you need to make sure that you plan some non-distraction time to concentrate on each other from a distance.

It can be hard, but nothing kills a relationship faster then apathy from a routine that doesn’t change, and we’re all guilty of falling into a rut with our relationships. Whether you live together or apart it’s easy to do. D/s thrives on a bit of excitement.

A snap of an order, unexpectedly getting into trouble, letting your mouth get away from you and hearing that ominous silence—these are the things a submissive needs to remember their place and all of it can be done from a distance but not if you let busy and separate lives reduce everything to the same-old pattern.

Of course, life sometimes can be overwhelming, and it can be hard to find the time to dedicate, but when you feel things starting to get stale, you’ll want to say something, plan something, DO something because long distance relationships wither a lot easier. The simple fact that you aren’t tied together with as much red-tape and baggage when you don’t live together means that drifting away can be a real problem.

There are tons of ways to keep things fresh and exciting and I’m going to try to cover some of them, but your own imagination and creativity is going to be your best guide here. And remember the downside of a long-distance relationship is that it can be harder to catch things. You don’t see the expressions, the shrugs, the eye-rolls. Even on video chat you often miss these things so communication on both sides is important.

A submissive who is starting to feel lonely or undominated is going to get sulky. There will be attitude out of nowhere and they might not even know why they are suddenly upset until they think about it later. I’m writing this as much to remind myself as to help others, because even though I know these things I sometimes forget too.

Submissives in a dynamic like this need to be better about honesty and confession. Let’s not pretend, as submissives, that ‘getting caught’ doesn’t give us a little thrill. For the brats and littles obviously, but even the service subs like to know someone is paying enough attention to catch them being naughty, right?

But the problem, is that it’s harder to catch someone when you aren’t right there. Subs have the onus on them to be more up-front about things, to confess when they break rules and that can be hard. It can also take a bit of the spice out of the relationship for some. A lot of subs fall back on just hinting that they’ve done something, so they can be questioned and then caught and that works fairly well, but it does require the Dominants to be paying attention.

People will ask me “How does that even work? How do they know when you’ve done something wrong?” and it seems incomprehensible to them that I just tell my Doms. Oh, sure, sometimes I try and hide things. It’s natural to be anxious about being in trouble and try not to get caught, but as much as part of me doesn’t want to be in trouble the submissive side is too strong to hide things well or for long.

And I know I have a responsibility to let them know what’s going on so even when I’m not talking, I at least try to hint that they should be asking me questions. Honesty is how a D/s relationship is able to work, it’s just even more important in this kind of dynamic.

All relationships, but especially D/s relationships need open communication, and when it comes to people who aren’t always in the same place physically it’s something you really need to focus on. If you find that you aren’t getting enough D/s time, then you might need to schedule it in on a regular timeline.

With my Doms, regardless of what happens throughout the month, we’re supposed to take time at the end of the month to discuss ‘infractions’ and issues and there’s usually a punishment scene to clear the slate for the next month. Not everything is put off until then of course. It’s not always enough to know that there will be an accounting at the end of the month, and they can tell by my behavior when something is needed immediately.

Certain behaviors call for instant correction and some needs require on the spot fixes, but the regular day-to-day rules like drinking 60oz of water or completing every item on the daily list can usually be marked down to be dealt with later.

But how do you deal with these things when the Dom isn’t right there to punish you?

 

PUNISHMENTS

For a large portion of kinky people who identify as Top & bottom or Dom & sub the main goal in a BDSM, or D/s relationship isn’t sex. Someone who only does this in the bedroom is usually someone for whom D/s is a fetish. It turns them on, and they aren’t interested in making it a lifestyle. Which is fine, but it does mean that it can be hard to find information out there for people that consider D/s a bigger part of their life.

Because of this what you’re going to see when look for information about long-distance relationships is a whole lot about cyber-sex, phone-sex, and sexy punishments on webcam. You’ll get a smattering of useful information but it’s all going to be phrased to sound like it should be a way to enjoy time with your romantic partner. I’m not going to give you that because there’s enough of it out there already.

I want to concentrate more on the other groups: those for whom it’s a turn on, but they want more than just that. They want the bedroom stuff, but they also want rules and structure and discipline. There are also bottoms/subs who have non-sexual relationships with their Doms. They might get turned on, but if so, they take care of that themselves and sex isn’t part of their D/s. I find that these groups are vastly under-represented when it comes to informative websites.

The majority of the information out there is talking about sexual domination and when they talk about punishments what they generally mean is ‘funishment’ or a punishment that both parties are meant to enjoy. On the rare occasions when you see the topic of long-distance punishments come up in a serious way, it’s usually in regards to Caregivers & littles (Adults who ageplay as children and want to be taken care of) and while a lot of things will crossover with that dynamic it can often be phrased in a way that puts some people off because not everyone understands relationships based on ageplay.

What I’m going to try to do is offer a lot of variety in the discussion so you’ll find things that will work for pretty much any relationship that incorporates discipline. You’ll see a wide spectrum of punishments with things that are good for littles, some that will only work for more hardcore submissives, others that are great for bedroom subs who want mild things to turn them on, and then a lot that will fill in the cracks in relationships that aren’t strictly defined as one type of thing all the time.

So, when I talk about punishment, I’m going to be talking about unpleasant things that are meant to teach a lesson and discourage from breaking rules. And when I talk about ways to spend time together, I’m not going to automatically assume these are romantic dates so I’m going to try to be inclusive no matter what the set-up in your relationship is and I’m not going to delve too deeply into the sex side of things.

I have been in D/s relationships for most of my adult life, and many of them have been long distance, at least part of the time. The question I am asked the most involves dealing with disobedience. Everyone always wants to know how a Dom can punish from a distance. I mean… a Dom can’t do anything to you if they aren’t there, right? I laugh, and every other long-distance sub laughs with me. Trust me, in some ways the punishment is worse at a distance.

Sometimes there is a long wait, knowing it’s coming and that can be difficult.  I don’t recommend doing it often or for long periods of time. If you have a visit coming soon then it makes sense to plan to do it in person, but a vague eventual punishment, some time down the road, is never going to be as effective as an immediate one.

Plus, realistically if you see each other rarely you can only pile in so much punishment on a visit. The sub knows this which means after a certain point they start to realize they might as well go ahead and do what they want because their ass is toast anyway—this is never a situation you want to be in with a sub.

They start to feel a bit gleeful on the surface knowing that you really can’t add on much more, but underneath there are darker feelings. Resentment, frustration, a feeling that nothing matters, perhaps a sense of being lost or uncontrolled. I know Doms who basically only punish because they enjoy punishing. They don’t happen to find distance discipline erotic so they just keep threatening and reminding the sub that a visit will happen eventually and do nothing in the meantime.

This doesn’t lead to a healthy relationship. If you can only be bothered to discipline when it’s a turn on for you then you should have a bedroom sub whose interests match yours. There’s nothing wrong with that, but there is something wrong with taking on a sub who needs real rules, and punishments, and then ignoring their needs until you can use it for your own arousal. Most long-distance subs who require discipline are going to need some version of punishment that can be done from a distance.

Listen, all it takes is a little creativity and careful thought and you can pretty much do anything from a distance that you can do in person. Anyone who has dated long-distance should have some knowledge about phone/cybersex. If you can do that from a distance, why on earth would D/s be impossible?

The biggest stumbling block to adding distance discipline to your relationship is embarrassment. Some of it will feel weird. Even after all these years it still feels weird for me to talk about it, but once you get used to it and relax you can actually go into subspace. Yes, even from a distance.

I’m going to talk more about long distance scenes in the next post in this series because there is a lot more involved besides punishments when it comes to scenes. But for right now we’re just going to focus on what you can do to discipline someone when you aren’t there in person—and it’s a lot!

Let’s get the most embarrassing one out of the way first.

Self-spanking is a thing—except… you’re not really spanking yourself. Your Dom/ Top is spanking you. You are obeying their orders, like you would any order, by delivering the spanking under their direction. That’s why I prefer to call it a ‘directed spanking’ rather than self-spanking.

I know… there’s so many questions. “I don’t think I could do that to myself!” Well, that’s more of a statement but also, “How would he even know I was doing it hard? What if I faked it?”

Right… well, some of that is going to come down to honesty, if you’re faking things in your relationship, or lying to your partner you already have some problems you need to work on, but as a sub there is a certain amount of sulking and trying to get away with things, and it’s natural to try to go easy on yourself when you’re the only one there. Luckily, we have technology which is a big help in keeping subs honest.

Your Dom could have you take pictures of the aftermath, or set up a video camera so that they can watch, this would be the best way to be sure, but I know a lot of subs aren’t comfortable with that. I’m not—but I do prefer someone to be listening on the phone, not so much for the honesty but mostly for the comfort and connection. With your Top giving you firm instructions, listening, and occasionally saying “No, I don’t think so. Do that one again.” You’re going to get as close to the real thing as you can from a distance.

But you might not be able to deliver an effective, painful spanking to yourself on the first try. It can be hard to actively do something you know is going to hurt and some people might need to build up to it. It will help if the Top gives clear instructions for implement, placement, how hard. Do you need an example of hos this might work?  I’ll try and work up a short story to post as kind of addendum to this one.

However, there are other things that can make a distance spanking more effective. You might call them add-ons. Most of D/s happens in the mind. It’s all about headspace and mental games, which means you can make a long-distance scene effective fairly easily just by providing the right motivations to get your head in the right place. Some things that can add to the ambience of the scene:

Corner time/ reflection time before or after

Lecture—note that for this purpose a scolding is different from a lecture. A scolding is a quick “Naughty girl, what am I going to do with you?” kind of thing and a lecture is more involved. It’s a detailed accounting, involving how a Dom feels about the rules that were broken and the need for punishment. This is going to provide some emotional context for the submissive to help them get into the scene. Guilt, regret, disappointment—all of those are good emotions to take into a punishment if you want a full immersion experience.

A little bit of ritual goes a long way as part of the whole scene too. A certain outfit to wear. Having them wait in the corner or sitting on the bottom of the bed for the punishment to start. Things like that can set up the feeling of nervous dread that you want when you’re going into a punishment.

Requiring certain responses or behaviors during punishment. More structure perhaps than usual. For instance, maybe all answers during that time have to include Ma’am, Sir, Lady, Master, etc.

Embarrassment–A lot of this is provided just with the situation but you can add to it with small touches.

As I said, you might not be able to spank yourself quite as hard as someone else would spank you, but there are things you can do to increase the pain effect. The first way to do that is to make the spanking longer. Being given twenty hard smacks with a paddle by someone else may reduce you to tears, but that might not work when you’re doing it yourself. That’s okay, you can keep going as long as necessary to get the right effects.

Option number two is to spank more tender spots, or spank faster. Twenty hard swats on your inner thighs can be devastating and just as painful as twenty to your ass delivered by someone else. But what if that’s not enough? Or, even, what if the spanking isn’t possible right then and there because of time or noise factor? Or, what if you’ve earned more than just a spanking, something that will make a longer impression?

I know people who use some interesting extras with spanking, or also in place of spanking if it’s not actually possible to have one. These are what I call sensation additions and I’m going to detail some here.

1. Things to sit on:
Bristly plastic welcome mats, or straw/hay mats, placed on a chair to sit on after a spanking, or in place of a spanking. It’s especially effective to write lines or essays while seated on one because they are very uncomfortable and the more you squirm the more uncomfortable it gets. Sitting on one in the corner too can be an interesting experience. Bare bottom of course will give you the best effect just be careful that the bristles aren’t too sharp, you don’t want little pinpricks. (Unless you do want that.) So, test first.

There are plenty of plastic mats where the bristles are wide and flexible so it will be uncomfortable and rough on your butt, but won’t poke too hard. Straw mats are usually okay too but there are some that would be too much. Adding thin layers of clothing like panties or pajama bottoms can mitigate the effect.

Another alternative to this that I’ve seen is punishment panties which have the rough side of Velcro sewn inside.

2. Muscle rubs: 
Muscle rubs like capsaicin or icy hot will heat up when applied and can be slathered over a spanked area. Or used in place of a spanking. If you want to be really mean you can have them put on some icy hot and then sit on a welcome mat. It’s not fun, trust me. They will be squirming and whimpering just as much as if they’d just gotten a good hard spanking.

I had a Dom that used to prefer Heet brand which can get quite intense and sometimes he would put it on me before we went out together just so he could watch me squirm if we sat down for too long. It would heat up over time in a way that had me behaving instantly. All of these will give a pretty fair approximation of a spanking with all the heat and burn you’d expect and no marks afterwards.

If you don’t already use these items for other reasons, please test them on your skin before smearing a whole bunch on your butt. Some of them can be quite intense, and you’ll want to watch out for sweating because I can tell you that liquid icy hot running down your crack can be an unforgettable experience.

I should note that I know people who put a dab on the anus, or genitals for a very severe effect but there are risks to that. Putting it on your thighs and butt is fine because it’s meant for muscles, as long as you aren’t allergic, but putting it in more sensitive areas has some risk.

3. Butt plugs:
Butt plugs can be especially humiliating when used in punishment. They focus your attention very nicely and having to spank with one in, or having to put one in afterwards can really add to a scene. But if you want to really embarrass someone, I’ve always thought making them wear one out of the house would be effective.

Even though no one could possibly know you have one inside of you, it always feels like everyone is aware. With every step you take, it makes its presence known so you find yourself changing your walk to accommodate it. I know people who number their buttplugs by size, and match the numbers to the offense. A level three offense would equal a very large and uncomfortable plug, for instance. As with all anal play however, it’s best to start small and work your way up.

4. Ginger:
Figging is a very old tradition that has been used as a punishment on its own for thousands of years. It involves carving a piece of ginger into a plug and inserting it in the vagina or rectum. It has some very interesting effects. For some people it’s a turn on, for others it’s nothing but burning and ouch, but it’s definitely a sensation you can do long distance.

Figging is a good add-on for spanking, in fact that’s its main use. In England it was often used during caning to keep the punished person from clenching up. Every time you clench the burn inside gets worse. Even though this has a couple thousand years of history behind it, you still need to be careful and aware of the risks any time you insert something inside of you.

Just to give you a quick ginger lesson in case you want to try this you’ll start by buying a fresh whole hand of ginger. Cut one of the ‘fingers’ low into the hand so you have a wide enough bottom to make it like a proper butt plug. You need a wide base to keep from losing it inside. You might want to use a real butt plug for comparison.

Peel the outer skin off. You won’t need lube; ginger has its own slippery juice and lube ruins the effect. If you want more intensity then after you peel it you can stick it into a plastic bag and put it in the fridge for a few days. The condensation will build up and the sensations will be stronger.

Test it first, I can’t suggest this strong enough. Test it in your mouth first, then test it in your more sensitive areas in small doses to make sure you don’t have an allergy and that it won’t be too intense. For a much milder experience you can make ginger paste out of ginger powder and water, and smear it on a regular butt plug before inserting. You will get an idea of it without an overwhelming sensation.

My personal suggestion for a first-time user is to have one of those packaged enemas or douches standing by because they are the most effective way to flush out the inside of an orifice in case it’s too much.

5. Masturbation:
Whatttt? I know. Yes, masturbation is fun so how is this punishment? Well, when we’re talking about spanking a sub long distance and adding to the sensory experience masturbation can help. A spanking, even one delivered by themselves is going to hurt more after they’ve masturbated once or twice. The orgasms are lovely fun during that part, but not so much fun when they add to the tenderness and sensitivity after.

Masturbation before spanking is also a very nice trick for a sub who gets turned on during punishment spankings. Sure, you can just make them spank so long and hard that they push past the arousal, but getting all the horniness out of the way in advance is a much easier way to do it. I saw a scene where a girl was once made to masturbate to orgasm so many times in a row that she was in tears before the spanking even started and she cried the whole way through because every single nerve-ending was tingling. This can absolutely be replicated from a distance. Believe me, I know.

6. Water:
Nothing stings more than a wet butt during a spanking. I actually keep a spray bottle/mister in my toybox simply for that reason, but when it comes to a directed spanking it can really add to the sting without requiring more swinging strength which is great during a directed spanking. Do remember that it splashes off, so if it’s a long spanking you’ll want to have them pause every so often to spritz the skin again.

Another version of this is to have the sub take a nice hot shower, or soak in the bath right before the spanking time, so that their skin is all soft and tender when you start.

7. Implements:
This honestly should go without saying but the one thing that’s really hard to do with a directed spanking is to use your hand. It’s awkward as heck, and when you figure you’ll probably already be hitting lighter than someone else it becomes nearly ineffective. On top of that your hand and shoulder are going to end up hurting more than your butt. I guess that’s still punishment but it’s not really what you’re going for.

For a self-delivered spanking you’re going to want an implement and it’s going to have to be one that you can angle properly. Some straps, full size canes, and most belts are right out because they are too long, to use easily. Small paddles, hairbrushes, and wooden spoons on the other hand work very well. But you can find straps that are short enough, canes too if you look.

Also, for those of you who are concerned about people overhearing what’s happening there are implements that are nearly silent which just killed the excuse of “I can’t, someone will hear me!” Sorry about that.

Switches, both natural whippy green wood ones, and manufactured Lexan/plastic ones also work incredibly well and are almost silent—you might not be though.

I think I’ve been helpful enough on that front… and I apologize in advance if someone uses this advice on you. Now you have a list to get you started if you decide to go with spanking. Please remember both Dom and sub will feel awkward about this the first couple of times as you feel your way around. It gets easier, I promise.

And again, creativity is an asset and I want to add that it’s important to go by the sub’s reactions more than a random number of swats when it comes to a directed spanking. Numbers can be great, but just because getting their butt smacked fifteen times in person will get through to them, doesn’t mean doing it to themselves fifteen times will work. I have been spanked to tears more than once via long distance, but it took a lot more to get me there than an in-person spanking would have. Even though tears generally come from emotion more than pain sometimes it still takes a certain level to break down the walls.

Remember that five hundred swats (or however many) may sound excessive, might even be excessive if you were giving them in person, (depending on pain tolerance and how hard, etc.) but they are probably going to be at a reduced level when coming from the sub. Five hundred swats by them might equal only fifty or a hundred from you, and so on.

What you want to do is go by the sub’s reactions. If you are listening to them while they do it there are signs you can look for. Is their breath hitching? Is it getting hard to talk? Are they sniffling? Do they sound sorry?

That’s what you’re looking for and not an arbitrary number. If you’re not listening to them do it then you may want to avoid numbers and give them something more descriptive to aim for. It’s also important to know that the sub can sometimes need more time to breakdown when doing this at a distance.

Are a few swats going to get them there? Is a minute, or five minutes of steady spanking going to get them there? Or does it take them more time to separate themselves from the fact that it’s their hand bringing the paddle down.
Headspace is so much more essential when doing things at a distance, so these are things you need to know.

To put it into perspective I once had a long-distance spanking that lasted three hours, included several thousand swats with five different implements, and had three five-minute corner time sessions—all of that before I finally was able to let go and cry. Crying isn’t necessarily the end goal of every spanking, especially because not all subs can cry, but when it comes to breaking down walls and letting emotions out it often is. I needed that catharsis and I had a Dom that didn’t care how long it took he was going to make sure I got it. (I was also in a lot of trouble.)

And now that we’ve gotten the most embarrassing punishment out of the way I’m going to give you a tidy little list of non-spanking punishments that all work really well from a distance. Some of these I already mentioned in addition to spanking but they all work fine alone. Ready?

• Essays
• Clean and polish all their spanking implements.
• Lines
• Having to write a story about something that embarrasses them kink-wise.
• Made to keep a mean spanking implement in sight on their desk, etc as a reminder.
• Corner time
• Early bedtime
• Social media restriction
• Losing privileges (no T.V., no chocolate, no wine, etc.)
• Mouth washed out with soap
• Hot sauce on tongue
• Clothespin on tongue
• Nipple clamps
• Having to kneel or hold a position for a time
• Kneeling on uncooked rice
• Sitting or kneeling on a welcome mat
• Ice cold shower
• Edging and orgasm denial
• Clothes restrictions like not being allowed to wear panties or wearing skirts only.
• Public embarrassment (Usually something that is obvious only to them and other people won’t know.)
• Unpleasant chores
• Extra work-outs
• Losing freedom to make own choices for a time
• Having to eat things they don’t like/ denied foods they do like
• Having to sit on something uncomfortable
• Loss of furniture privileges (Having to stand or kneel instead of sit. Having to sleep on the floor)

Punishment day/weekend—This is usually a pretty severe punishment that combines a lot of different things and is meant to last all day(s). For instance: A spanking first thing when waking up, plain boring meals all day, water only to drink, chores in the morning, essays/line writing in the afternoon, bedtime spanking and then early bedtime. It’s customizable for the specific needs of the submissive but is meant to be about as unpleasant as you’d expect. It’s really good for correcting an attitude on someone who has been acting up for a while.

I could probably come up with twenty more just off the top of my head, but I think you get the idea. These are just meant to give you the basics, and I avoided punishments that I don’t personally find helpful. It’s one thing to humiliate or call someone names if they find it hot, and another to do it for a punishment. I’ve never known any sub whose behavior improved by having to refer to themselves as ‘stupid slut’ because they forgot to do something.

I also really don’t believe in ignoring a sub for punishment or refusing to talk to them because they messed up. I don’t think it helps and I think for a sub with abandonment issues it can be devastating. Feeling isolated from your partner is the last thing you want when you’re already long-distance. I do know people who use this as a punishment, but it’s not for me.

Some of the ones I listed might not work for you and some will be perfect. Physical abilities should be taken into consideration as well. If your sub has knee problems then kneeling isn’t going to be a good idea. Punishments are meant to teach a lesson not debilitate or frustrate a sub until they give up.

Doing this from a distance is going to mean that the Dom needs to be there when it’s happening or check in with the sub to make sure the punishment is being done. The submissive should get used to knowing they might need to provide proof that the punishment is complete, because it keeps them honest and cuts down on procrastination.

Were you told to scrub the kitchen floor? Better take a picture when you’re finished just in case you’re asked for it.

Even the most honest sub will occasionally try to get away with avoiding something they really don’t want to do and the Dom doesn’t need to demand proof every time, but just knowing that they do demand proof now and then will help keep a sub honest. It also helps the sub to know they are being checked on, otherwise it doesn’t feel like their Dom is punishing them it feels like they are punishing themselves and that’s not that you are looking for.

The last thing I want to say before I wrap things up is that you need to make sure you don’t forget the aftercare especially when it comes to doing any spanking. It doesn’t matter if the sub is giving themselves the spanking that is ordered, or if you’re doing it in person—you will still have the same reactions. The endorphins, the emotions, the pain. So, make sure you plan for some time after the punishment to spend winding down together, and checking in later or the next day should be normal too.

Do not ever deny a sub aftercare as part of the punishment. It’s cruel and unnecessary. The punishment is meant to absolve them of the crime. Once it’s done it’s done and then there should be aftercare.

REWARDS

Now that we’ve gotten all the mean punishment stuff out of the way it’s time to discuss the fun stuff you can do from a distance. I’m wrapping up rewards and scenes in the same post because neither of them is as long as the previous one—but it should go without saying that not all scenes are rewards since we already covered the ones that weren’t, right?

In some ways doing rewards from a distance is actually harder for a lot of subs. Punishment isn’t supposed to be comfortable or fun, but rewards are, so it can be a challenge to find things that will make a sub happy. A lot of this is going to depend on the sub, of course. For most the biggest reward they can get is being with their Dom in person and it can be hard to find meaningful things to do from a distance that aren’t all material.

While presents, of course, are a wonderful reward, especially surprises I’m going to put very little focus on things like that here, because no matter how much you love your sub you might not have the money to spend buying them things. Or you may feel that money should be spent on trips to visit each other instead, which is infinitely more important. I will mention a few special things but mostly I’m going to concentrate on activities.

So, the best reward you can give your sub when you’re not with them is probably still going to be time. In long distance relationships it can start to feel like all of the really focused time you spend together is dealing with issues or punishments. The last thing you want is for a sub to feel that the only way they can get your focused attention is by being upset or misbehaving, so when you both have busy lives scheduling time to concentrate on each other can be the best reward ever.

One way to handle this is to schedule weekly time together. If behavior has been good, then that time can be spent doing fun things together. If too many rules have been broken, then regretfully the fun is canceled, and the time is used for punishment. In this scenario the sub is still getting the same amount of time with the Dominant, only how it’s spent changes. This can be a really good incentive to be good and offers zero encouragement to act up.

It’s worth noting that for a sub who needs regular spanking, or enjoys it when it’s not for punishment, being good can almost be a penalty, since it means not getting the spanking they need. You may want to remember that even distance spankings can be fun if you do them right and good girl spankings are an excellent reward.

Another way to handle it is just to allot a couple of hours for a fun activity when a reward has been earned. What this activity is will really depend on your taste, but I’ll give you a list of things you can do together while apart just to get you started. These are good for rewards, or just general spending time together.

Movie nights—Movie nights are simple these days with all the streaming services available. There are even some that allow you to share your account with a second person. Make it a whole event with popcorn and talk about it online or by phone as you watch.

Online gaming—This can be a complicated game like WOW or Skyrim that will suck up many hours of your time together. Or something quick and simple like scrabble, words with friends, backgammon—all of which allow you to invite specific people to play.

There are also various card games you can play online. I happen to like Cards Against humanity online, which you can find if you click this link, and it has all sorts of nerdy add-ons you can play with.

Now, I know what you’re thinking “But we can’t play that alone, we need more people!” True, you do, but here’s the thing…it sets up chatrooms for you to play together as a group, and for some subs spending time with their Dom in ‘public’ is something they rarely get to do.

Online things are a bit different. If you have some RP (roleplay) skills it can be fun to be in a chatroom together. You can sit on your Doms lap and cuddle, or brat, or tease in front of people who understand the relationship. So, a gathering of like-minded friends can be a fun way to spend time with your partner.

Roleplay — Speaking of RP, many of the people I know, including me, in long-distance relationships use RP as a way to spend time together online. All it takes is decent writing skills and an imagination and you can have all sorts of adventures even apart.

Phone time— If you normally communicate mostly via text or msg because you’re both busy and there’s a lot going on, a scheduled phone chat can be a special reward, especially if you use the call to do some ‘other’ activities which we’ll discuss when I get to scening.

Read a book together—You don’t even have to have the same taste in books since this would give you a chance to at least try something new. Books are cheap, or free if you go to the library and you can set up a time each day, or a couple of times a week to read together. Perhaps at night as a kind of bedtime story. You can be on the phone or in text while you’re reading—or just do it separately but know you’re doing it together.

Have dinner together — Decide on a meal and you both have the same thing. You could even cook together on the phone or through skype, or heck order a pizza.

Those are just a few activities that can be used both as relationship bonding, or as rewards, but there are also some meaningful things a Dom can give a sub to reward them. Again, I’m focusing on free or not too expensive here because if you have money you don’t need advice on how to spend it. I think it’s the people who don’t that struggle with gift ideas so:

*Take some special pictures that are just for the sub. Dom type pics, sexy pics, silly pics that will make them laugh. (I’m not talking about googling memes. Everyone does that anyway. But something you are taking yourself for them.)

*Found things—I have always loved found things because they cost nothing but time and maybe some postage. Going on vacation? Find a special rock, a leaf, a flower, a shell—it doesn’t matter what, find your sub a special thing just for them.

If you want to be fancy you can take it a step or ten further. Press the flower and put it in a card telling them how much you love them. Getting that in the mail would be a wonderful reward. Write or draw something on the rock for them, even a simple heart would make them smile.

*Speaking of cards… a card or letter in the mail works as a reward, especially if you write something in it that will make them melt and tear up (in a good way.)

*Anything related to their submission: a special charm to wear, a collar, a button that says ‘owned’ all of these can be inexpensive but mean so much.

*One of your shirts, or a hoodie—something you wear that they can put on or hug. Alternatively, a stuffed animal that you have hugged or slept with to give it all the warm vibes before sending it to them.

*A playlist of songs you love, so that your sub can get close to you. Or a playlist of songs that make you think of your sub—either or both works.

*Send them a book you love.

*Write them a story if you have any writing skills. Bonus points if it’s about the two of you doing something together.

*Send the sub a video of you saying you love them, reading to them, or just talking to them.

*If you have any crafting skills you can make your sub a collar out of ribbon and a charm pretty easily. It might not be the most attractive looking thing in the world, but they could put it on at home and think of you. Handmade things mean a lot.

*A basic empty charm bracelet, or necklace with a charm holder—with one charm being added occasionally as a reward. This can be cheap (you can find charms for .99cents each) or expensive for silver or gold charms. And there is a huge variety out there.

*Stickers. Yes, I’m serious and it’s not just for littles either. You can send them books of small stickers and they get to put one on the calendar every day they are good. If you want to build on that you can give them a special reward for a full calendar month of stickers.

You get the idea, right? You don’t need to spend a lot to make a submissive happy and rewards don’t need to be in the form of gifts. Again—Time is often the best reward. There are so many possibilities and you know your sub best so I think that’s enough suggestions to work with.

Now, I’m going to hop over to doing scenes from a distance, and in this context, I’m going to talk about fun scenes, bonding scenes, or reward scenes. These are going to require some rp (roleplay skills) if you do it in text/msg, otherwise you can do it over video or the phone which still requires creativity but a little bit less of immersing yourself in your imagination.

As I said earlier, anyone who has been in a long-distance relationship eventually figures out phone sex/cyber sex and while D/s scenes don’t have to be about sex they are basically very similar. To really enjoy distance scening you’ll need to relax and let yourself move beyond the awkwardness. I’m going to write you a little scene here and I’ll stick with sensual but not sexual since, well I’m sure you can figure out how to add that part in yourself.

And I normally don’t write in first person but for this I want you to hear the sub’s thoughts as she experiences this.

“Hey, babygirl. It’s good to hear your voice,” he says in that rough growl of his.

I squirm, melting a little already just hearing him. Between my busy life and his we never really get enough time on the phone together so it’s a treat when we can manage it. “I’ve missed you, Sir. So much. Did you have a good day?” I say.

“It was okay, but it’s about to get better. Do you have everything ready for me?”

“Yes Sir!” Of course, I do. I’ve been waiting all day for his call and my collar is sitting there; the leather freshly cleaned and waiting. My hair is up in a bun the way he likes it.

“Good girl. On your knees for me.”

I obey gladly, settling onto the cushion I’ve placed there and getting comfortable as I wait.

“Now pick up the collar and put it around your neck. Can you feel my hands there putting it on you? I’m pulling it tight because I want you to feel it.”

Of course they aren’t his hands, they are mine but now they obey his orders. My eyes slip shut and I let my breathing go slow and deep. Picturing him sitting behind me tightening the collar around my neck. A shiver rolls down my back and I can almost feel his fingers brushing against the curls at the base of my neck. He loves the way that my straight hair hides those short little curls underneath. It’s probably why he prefers my hair up.

As though listening to my thoughts he laughs and says, “Tug one of those curls for me.”

And I do it, just the way he would if he were there. It makes me giggle as it always does and we take a minute just like that with me kneeling on my cushion, hands caressing the leather band against my skin. I start to sink into subspace and when he asks me a question my voice is a little floaty.

“Already?” Laughing again, “But we’ve just started. You have your leather strap for me, babygirl? I want to get your skin nice and pink.”

The strap has been cleaned as well. Wiped down with a little soap and water and then rubbed with leather butter to keep it supple. That part of the preparation ritual is so familiar to me now that he doesn’t even need to order it anymore. It’s what I do while preparing my mind for the scene.

The strap is short and the handle fits comfortably in my grip. I can smell the scent of leather and the deep tang of the leather conditioner I used. I hold it up to my nose inhaling before I reply, “Yes Sir.”

“Good girl. Get into position.”

Since it’s not possible to do this while kneeling, at least not effectively, I switch to lying on my side and when I’m ready we begin. This isn’t punishment. This is a reward, which is why we’re using an implement that I love. Wood is for punishment; leather is—leather is for good girls. I twist slightly and angle the strap, bringing it down with a nice crisp snap across both cheeks.

It’s different when it’s a good girl spanking. There’s no lecture, only praise and  while he occasionally tells me to do a harder one, each comes slow enough that the heat settles in before the next arrives. Not the hurried angry pace of a punishment spanking—not for this. He wants a slow build of heat and sting.

I love it. I can’t even begin to describe what it’s like to be so thoroughly controlled like this. To be so obedient that it hardly even feels like my hand holding the strap. The snapping sounds, the heat and burn, all of it connecting us across the miles.

My body reacts to this slow sensual spanking predictably. I can feel my nipples tightening. The damp heat between my thighs. He knows, I’m sure, because he knows me so well. Sometimes he tells me to stop and touch myself.

Sometimes he forbids it. Even when it’s a reward the decision is his and today he decides to ignore it entirely and there is only spanking.

On one level it’s frustrating but on another I revel in that control. And when we’re done—when it’s enough to make sure that my skin will stay hot and pink all night, we curl up in our separate beds and relax together. Just casual conversation, bonding, spending time with each other while he occasionally has me run my fingernails over the spanked skin and imagine it’s him.

I’m nearly asleep when he says “Goodnight, babygirl.”

“Goodnight Sir.”

I’m smiling as I fall asleep.

And that is one way, of many, to do a long-distance scene. I won’t say that everyone can get into the headspace like that, but most can if they put in the effort to get past the awkwardness. Punishment scenes are easier in some ways, but with a little creativity, reward scenes can be just fulfilling.

Scene doesn’t automatically equal spanking either. It did in my example because spanking is my main thing, but for people who crave dominance without that, you can go with just the kneeling, the collar, the words that makes them feel submissive. Basically, time you spend together that is focused on making them happy and pushes them towards subspace is going to be a scene and you know your partner best so you should have an idea of what they enjoy.

The most important thing to focus on here is the senses. What can they smell? Hear? Feel? Notice I mentioned these in my little mini-story? That’s because these are the touchstones that make a distance scene real in their minds. D/s is all about the mind games. Your voice on the phone, or your text if you’re going that way, is going to start things off but you want to perk their imagination, so it fills in the scene.

Create a ritual to get them in the mindset before you even start. Have them do things to prepare so it builds the anticipation and you can have them halfway to subspace before you even start.

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A note from Master's lovely: all of these ideas could be used in any D/s relationship, not just long distance or online. And also lots of subs love rituals - it can keep them in a completely submissive mindset doing things for their Dominant/Domme when you are not with them!