Orgasm Control
This article is dedicated to Lord Colm and the memory of 'jade' and all of the hours and hours of labour and love she poured into writing so many articles. We have been unable to contact Lord Colm to seek His permission to post these archives. This article, that originally appeared on the Castle Realm website, is posted here, pending the appropriate permissions from Lord Colm. The content of the article remains intact and exactly as originally found on the Castle Realm website.
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Let's first makes sure we are talking about the same thing. There are two basic ideas related to orgasm control training. The first is to condition the submissive to delay orgasm until permitted by the dominant. The second, much more advanced technique is the training of a submissive to release on demand, usually a spoken word, without the physical stimulation normally associated with sexual release.
Why Do Such Training?
In a word: Control. The dominant/submissive relationship is based upon a power exchange and there are few things a submissive can surrender that are more intimate than sexual release. Assuming that the submissive is already capable of achieving orgasm, accepting control of and exercising wisely that aspect of his or her life can add a depth to the relationship that is difficult to comprehend.
In surrendering this control, the submissive becomes keenly aware of just how much his or her body belongs to the dominant. The submissive can no longer take for granted that orgasm will be the natural climax of a sexual encounter. Fulfillment shifts to the discretion of the owner who can permit, delay, or deny as she or he sees fit. Masturbation is no longer something that the submissive can do whenever the mood strikes. Permission becomes a requirement to feel those sensations. The submissive's sexuality slips completely into the hands of the one to whom this control has been surrendered and the submissive can never know when he or she may be instructed to offer themselves for the dominant's pleasure.
Issue One - Delayed Orgasm
Teaching a submissive to hold orgasm until given permission is a common practice in this lifestyle. It is also a relatively easy process, provided the submissive does not have pre-existing problems with controlling orgasm. The most common orgasmic difficulties are premature ejaculation in men and, for women, inability to achieve orgasm during intercourse or masturbation. If such difficulties do exist, seek qualified assistance from a therapist who specializes in these matters.
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Training begins with negotiation. Since the dominant will be asking the submissive to surrender control of a very intimate aspect of life, the submissive may have concerns about what exactly will be expected. Discuss the matter openly and candidly. If you can come to an agreement, you can move on to the training.
A word to the dominant: Before you begin such training, you must be familiar with your submissive's sexual response. You have to know the signs of your submissive's impending climax-- those physical changes such as flushing of the skin, changes in breathing, changes in facial expression, and the sounds that signal being on the verge of release. Each person's response will be different and until you are able to recognize how this partner does orgasms, you will have little hope of successfully training control.
A word to the submissive: Your dominant is not a mind reader. He or she relies heavily on you to know when you are nearing orgasm. Your response is unique to you, so at first your partner may need your help in learning your body. Tell your dominant when you are close to the point of no return. If you are uncomfortable vocalizing during sex, arrange some sign before hand: a signal that means, "I'm about to plunge over the edge!" After a few sessions, your partner will be able to pick up on those signs.
Let the Training Begin!
From the very outset, give the submissive instructions that orgasm is not permitted unless she or he has permission to release. In the beginning, you will need to do this before every sexual encounter. As training progresses, though, the reminder will become unnecessary as the submissive comes to accepts this as a given.
Each time you engage in your regular sexual activity, watch for signs of approaching climax. If you notice that orgasm seems very close but the submissive has not yet asked permission, provide a verbal reminder. For example, you might ask in your "domliest" voice, "Your release belongs to me. You will not cum without my permission." This should prompt your submissive to cry out for permission when it is time. In the beginning, you should reward the request immediately by granting permission and send your partner right into the throes of orgasm. This is a critical step, since it teaches an association between asking permission and the pleasurable sensations of climax.
With each success, let your submissive know that you are pleased and proud of his or her accomplishment. Say it during release. Say it afterwards in your post-scene discussions. It will be important for your submissive to know that you approve.
Over time you can gradually introduce a delay between the request and your permission. It is important not to set up your partner for failure by expecting an long delay from the outset. In the beginning, the delay should be only a matter of a few seconds. If you expect too much too soon, your partner may be unable to withhold orgasm and will likely end up feeling like she or he has disappointed you.
In a nutshell, the training principles are simple: reward immediately and often in the beginning. Taper off gradually until your partner has learned to control release to the degree you desire.
You can be of great assistance by understanding how your submissive's body reacts as it climbs to orgasm. It is worth saying again that everyone's sexual response is different. There are, however, some fairly common signals of impending release.
For both men and women, signs of sexual arousal may include fast, shallow breathing and a racing heartbeat. Of course, hearing your submissive scream out that she or he is about to cum is a pretty good indicator, too.
With men, the scrotum (sack) becomes thicker and the testicles will draw up tightly to the body. Here's a biological fact you may not know: a man cannot achieve orgasm unless his testicles have done precisely this, so use that knowledge to delay orgasm. You can do this by gently pulling the testicles away from his body by grasping the scrotum between your thumb and forefinger and tugging.
Another method to short-circuit a man's orgasm is to use the "squeeze technique." This is done by firmly squeezing the penis between thumb and first and second fingers just below the head. Hold for three to four seconds. Release and let 15-30 more seconds pass before resuming stimulation. Directing your attention to other parts of the body during the short break will help keep the arousal sharp, but the urge to cum will pass.
With a woman, signs of sexual arousal include her sex swelling and becoming dark red or deep purple. Her upper chest and the cheeks on her face may become flushed red. Breasts may swell and veins become more visible. Nipples become erect and the darker circular area around the nipples (areola) may swell. Inside, her canal may get slightly longer. Additionally, her clitoris may decide to play hide-and-seek underneath its hood (hint: that's a good sign that she is getting close to orgasm). To delay her orgasm, decrease the intensity of your stimulation, particularly to the clitoris. Shift your attention elsewhere for a few moments to bring your partner back from the edge. If you are thrusting something inside of her (penis, dildo, fingers, for example), stop! Withdrawal may be needed.
Continue to repeat this cycle of bringing to the edge of orgasm then backing down until you are satisfied with your submissive's tortured cries and begging. Then, once she or he is once again at the verge of releasing, give the command to do so.
Be consistent. Until your submissive has mastered the level of control you wish, wavering back and forth in your expectations will likely sabotage the training. In other words, once you start this training, do not permit orgasm without permission. Ever. Also, if you intend to move on to training your submissive to release on command, always use the same word or phrase to give that permission.
Don't lose sight of one very important point: the goal of orgasm control is to enhance pleasure for both of you. A careless attitude or unrealistic expectations by the dominant in this training can end up taking all of the fun out of the sexual encounter. Submissives want to please their dominant--help them do that by setting them up to succeed, not fail.
What should the dominant do if the submissive releases without permission?
At first, expect that to happen. Just as one doesn't become an Olympic marathon runner overnight, so the submissive needs time, patience, and practice. Lots of practice. Mo' practice be bettah. Early on, you can salvage those slips by going ahead and giving your partner the command to release as soon as you realize that she or he is doing so. It's too late to stop now, so you may was well reinforce the pleasure she or he is feeling with your command. Then, after the intimacy is over, talk about it and remind the submissive--gently in the beginning--that his or her orgasm belongs to you. If it continues to be a problem, you may need to renegotiate that aspect of your relationship. You may also need to take a hard look at your own training method. Of course, blatant disregard of your agreement regarding orgasm control should be dealt with in accordance with how you handle such infractions. If it gets to this point, though, I would strongly recommend that you look for control somewhere else within your relationship. The submissive's repeated failure to comply followed by you inflicting punishment is one very good way to kill your entire sexual relationship.
Issue Two - Orgasm on Demand
Orgasm on demand is the Holy Grail of sexual control. And like the mythical chalice sought by the Crusaders, it is almost as elusive. Training someone to release purely on verbal command is a goal many have tried, but few have achieved. Why is it so difficult? Partly due to biology, partly due to individual differences in the human sexual response, and very much due to ineffective training.
Teaching a submissive to release on demand takes a well thought out approach and patience. It requires of the dominant a good understanding of the principles of classical conditioning. Remember Pavlov's dog experiments from your freshman Introduction to Psychology class? It is also much more difficult to train a male to achieve this than it is a female due to our biological differences.
Ringing the Bell
Like teaching your submissive to delay release, the key to this type of training is the immediate reinforcement (giving permission) of a response (asking for permission). This increases the probability that the same behavior will occur again. This is what we want. Once the behavior is learned, we can (in fact, must) decrease the frequency of reward in order to ensure it continues.
Think about how we do that in the delay training. We first set up the conditions: Communicate that permission is required for release. We then immediately allow the submissive to have an orgasm (reward) when she or he asks permission. Over time, we introduce a delay between the request and the granting (and may, at times, deny release altogether). Unlike the delay training, however, we must also train the submissive to associate orgasm with something other than genital stimulation. This is your greatest challenge.
In the beginning, we accomplish this by pairing a single word with the moment of their release. This word needs to be something that would not come up in normal conversation, otherwise, the effect is lost. Speak this word just as he or she explodes in orgasm. Why? In order train your submissive that the word you have chosen equals sexual release.
Over many sessions (we may be talking about a very long time in some instances--everyone is different), you must gradually replace your permission to climax with this word. When your submissive asks for permission, instead of saying "yes," (or however you have chosen to grant permission), speak instead the "trigger word" you have selected. Since you have already trained your sub that this trigger word equals permission by pairing it with her or his orgasm, expect your submissive to plunge over the edge into ecstasy.
Once you're sure that this association between asking permission and "the word," is in place, the next step is to begin giving the release command before your partner has a chance to ask for it, but very close to the point where she or he would normally have done so. This signals that it is time to climax: right now. Don't expect your submissive to release on this early cue the first time you use it. What will probably happen is that the submissive will hear the command, then bring on the orgasm as quickly as she or he can. Keep in mind that at first she or he will still need physical stimulation and to be very close to orgasm in order to release at this slightly early command.
As you progress, you will need to decrease the amount of stimulation to the genitals while still maintaining a very high state of arousal, using your word to signal when you desire surrender.
Instead, begin slowly replacing some of the physical stimulation with mental stimulation. Do this by talking to your submissive with "the voice"--you know, that tone and volume that you use when you are at your most dominant, the voice that melts your submissive into a quivering, moist heap. Once you become skilled at using this voice, you may be able to stimulate your submissive to the same state of sexual arousal that once required more direct methods. This skill is necessary if you ever hope to train your submissive to climax on verbal command, because it is not just the word that you speak that will bring about the release, but a complex combination of the word you speak, the voice you use to do so, the submissive's state of arousal, and several other factors.
In time, if all the stars align just right and you have trained your partner correctly, you may be able to reach a point where she or he can achieve orgasm without any direct physical contact and in response to your command to do so. Even if you do not achieve that level of training, I would hope you had a very good time trying. In any case, it is probably unreasonable to expect that even the most well trained submissive will be able to release on command without at least some erotic context. Don't expect him or her to drop into spasms straight out of the blue while you are de-fleaing the cat.
A word of caution: If your submissive fails to make progress in this training, the most likely cause lies with the dominant's ineffective technique, not the submissive. It also may well be that the submissive simply cannot achieve this very advanced level of conditioning due to his or her unique sexual response. If you find that this isn't working out for you, give it up and find something else pleasurable to do. There is no sense in making your sexual encounters a chore or a time of dread because your partner knows that your displeasure is coming because she or he is not being able to give you what you desire. There are plenty of other wonderful activities out there that can be just as fulfilling.
Conclusion
If you decide that this sort of power exchange is something that you would like to incorporate into your relationship, understand that the dominant is taking on a very big responsibility: absolute control over the submissive's sexual satisfaction. Use this power wisely. We all have a basic human need for sexual fulfillment. Successful long-term relationships are very much rooted in the mutual satisfaction of these needs. Take care of your submissive--without sexual satisfaction, even if just masturbation, there is probably little chance she or he will stay around for very long. Yours are not the only needs to be met in a relationship.
