Can only a Dominant set limits?
One of our community asked us a question and it was a great one!
Question:
I'm new to this, so I don't really understand the dynamics of Dominant and submissive. I've just started a relationship with a Dominant, but I want to know if only he can set limits.
Answer:
Setting limits .... or clarifying soft and hard limits is actually your right as a submissive and is always set by you, never your Dominant.
You have 2 powers/responsibilities as a sub. Safewords and Limits: your right to stop play and determine of how far you are willing to go.
There are two kinds of limits:
• Hard limits
Things you never consent to.
These are NON-NEGOTIABLE.
You have them. He has them.
• Soft limits
Things you might do under specific conditions, or only once trust grows.
You have these too. So does he.
A Dominant has NO power in setting these limits for you it is all up to the submissive.
Power exchange only happens after limits are agreed upon.
Simply put .... the Dominant only has power that the submissive gives them.
This is the core of BDSM dynamics:
You cannot dominate someone who does not consent.
The submissive decides:
- whether to submit
- how far the dynamic goes
- what is allowed
- what is not allowed
The Dominant decides how to lead inside those boundaries.
In relation to consent, most BDSM communities follow safety frameworks:
• CCC – Consensual, Caring, Communication
or
• RACK – Risk-Aware Consensual Kink
Both mean:
Both partners negotiate
Both partners agree
Both partners have the right to say no
Both partners have the right to stop at any point
There is no “Dominant has the final say” about limits.
Ever.
You MUST have your own boundaries
A healthy Dominant will expect you to have them, and will respect them.
If he gets annoyed by your limits, tries to override them, or says things like:
“A real sub has no limits.”
“Only I decide the rules.”
“Your boundaries don’t matter.”
“If you trust me, you’ll let me choose everything.”
Those are massive red flags.
Safewords belong to BOTH partners
You both have the right to use a safeword to stop or slow down anything.
Standard ones are:
Red (stop everything immediately)
Mercy (slow down, check in)
If he won’t use safewords?
Or says he doesn’t allow them?
Walk away. That’s unsafe.
A good Dominant cares about your comfort and safety
A healthy Dom will say:
“What are your limits?”
“What’s off the table?”
“Your consent is the foundation of this dynamic.”
“If something feels wrong, you can stop at any time.”
If he’s not doing this, you’re not dealing with a Dominant — you’re dealing with someone misusing the label to get control and you need to run....
This is not our opinion; this is simple FACT that ALL Kinksters adhere to.
